Since becoming single, I find I have tortured myself by promising each weekend to come would be the one to release (or distract) me from my heart break. The first weekend resulted in me having to leave the bar, bursting in to tears.
"What is wrong with you?" Olivia asked.
"Everyone is just so ugly." I replied.
What I would later explain was your first weekend of being single you’re supposed to be hot, on the market. But when not a single guy matches up to your expectations, a mental breakdown over the visually less-fortunate can and may occur.
A few weekends later - this weekend was going to be the one. Top of the list for this weekends drunken rebound hook-ups I had a man I like to call Bruno Mars at the very top. Exotic. Kind. Cute. …looks like Bruno Mars - but taller.
Upon him forceing a …GIN and COKE (which I didn’t even know was a legal drink) down my throat, a poor demonstration of the shuffle, making me stalk a police officer for a high-five, and then spilling the remainder of the Coke and Pine Needles on my outfit…I gave up.
Later meeting up with him at a McDonalds with a bunch of friends, we got into a discussion about religion over our Happy Meals. He began to tell me how his religion was open minded, and lets each person interpret the bible how they choose…he then made every effort to unknowingly prove how closed minded he is.
"Oh, you’re messed up. Gays should not be allowed to be married."
"How can you say the Quran isn’t the cause for terrorism? In every passage of that book it clearly states mass-killings should take place for those who don’t believe in Allah."
"It’s okay, you’re just brainwashed."
Needless to say, this was not my weekend. I miss the comfort of a relationship, but more so then that - I miss the calm that I’ve never felt before Mr. Big. Another weekend, another bar - in hopes that I can regain that peace in someone else.
"May I come up?"
Which on a short list of bold questions, has got to be one of the boldest. Direct translation from male to female, it clearly means, “May I have sex with you?” Prince Charming would ask that question. He’s the type to do everything by the book. Wineing and dining, he thinks, will certainly result in an invitation upstairs.
As much as I enjoy the upscale wine bars, there’s no bigger turn off to me then sitting across the table from a Ken doll as he discusses his high-school hockey days and brand new loafers he just purchased.
Greatly missing the days of the college hook up, where everything happened more natural - drunkenly, but natural.
There was no such thing as the unspoken cordial invitation to drinks, which in return, you must allow him to come upstairs for terrible sex which results in you thinking “Look at that, there’s a spider on my ceiling.” Instead of him proving his point that he could “destroy you” in bed.
I miss keggers and crushes.
If you’ve read from the beginning…you’ll have read about my Mr. Big. A guy who with the words “Brooklyn, New York.” made me drop my phone into my lap followed by “This is the man I’m going to marry.”
So what happens when you’re plagued with the maturity curse…letting him go because you know he needs to grow. If the two of us stayed together it would be a crash and burn situation. So what happens? I have no idea, because up until today I’ve had no idea what I was feeling.
This break up hasn’t been messy. It hasn’t been depressing. It hasn’t been a relief. The only word to describe it as…is beautiful.
You know when you lose a loved one, and you’re flooded with these emotions. However after some time has passed, you could still cry over them everyday but your sadness isn’t pain. It’s this gorgeous love where your heart is so full of happiness that you had them in your life - even if it was for just a breath.
Well unable to come to this conclusion on my own, I went to a friend of mine. I talked. He listened.
"I dated this guy for 9 months. When we both met each other it was this "woah" moment because we both made lists and wouldn’t settle for someone who didn’t fit the list. So when we found each other - we were shocked. Never thought it would end. But before we knew it, it was done. We both agreed it’s not goodbye forever, but it’s just not the right time."
"Okay, wait a second…" he said. "I’m not hearing heartbreak, I’m hearing love."
That was it. The moment I could pin-point the emotion I’m feeling. I’m feeling so much love for this person. Not the kind of love you feel for a man. It’s the kind of love you feel for someone you truly love - a brother, a cousin, an aunt, your dad, your best friends. A love where you want nothing but the best for them, even if the best isn’t you at that exact moment.
What is it about a shoe that can give any woman a new sense of self? A shoe can replace a boyfriend. They can mend a heart. They can help you forget insecurities - while wearing the shoes at least. For Cinderella, they helped her find her man.
Which brings me to this - last week I went on a date with Prince Charming. No, not ‘and they lived happily ever after’ Prince Charming. I mean, strip away the stage lights and Disney script…Prince Charming.
Let’s face it, Prince Charming would be that guy who knows he’s good looking. A pretentious Repubilcan with a good heart - but an even better knowledge of the game. When Prince Charming asks you on a date, you don’t say no. You go - who knows maybe he could be my Knight in a Ralph Lauren Polo Tee.
After 2 bottles of expensive wine at a roof-top bar which made me feel like I was in some Parisian villa - I found myself answering “Yes” to “Do I get to kiss you goodnight?” Was it the wine which encouraged me to say yes? Or maybe it was I, saying yes, in order to get more nights like this one.
After a first kiss on a subway platform and denying several of his pleads to come upstairs (which is an entirely seperate entry), I found myself agreeing to a second date.
After dating a college student…these expensive summer nights in the high-end part of town is something a girl could get used to.