It’s been about a week. I find I’ve been struggling with writers block. No, not even writers block…creativity block…no…a living block.
So where I left off, Samantha was coming over. Where theres Samantha, there are boys. However, we didn’t go out to find them. Like 12 year olds - we sat on Facebook…window shopping if you will.
"Look at him! He’s cute right? I’ve slept with him. Oh and this guy…most amazing body. THIS GUY HERE! Ah! He wrote me a song!"
I’ve always been jealous of Samantha in that way. Her ability to make guys fall hopelessly in love with her has always been something I lack. Actually, I lack that skill severely. If I were to publish a book today about my life up until this point, I think it would be called “Never Been Loved”.
"They do love you." Olivia said to me the other day. "They just tell you in weird ways."
Those ways she’s referring to include:
- An boyfriend of a year couldn’t tell me to my face that he loved me, so he’d whisper it when he thought I was sleeping.
- Mr. Big - and drunken late nights texts which I would receive saying “I love you, but not like that.”
So here I am, with a few newly purchased boys to pursue. However I find myself doing a rather bad habit which many of us girls have. When we meet a cute boy, and we want to find a reason for why they are ‘the one’ we get a bad case of the ‘Me Too’s!’.
This is when we find ourselves agreeing to something the boy has said. We aren’t saying “Me too” because we truly agree. No, our me too means “I can live with that.”
As much as I enjoy the person I’m becoming, I find I miss more and more the days when I was just getting to know Mr. Big. We didn’t even have to have the conversations like “What was your favourite subject in school?” Or “Scenario: It’s a Friday night at 6pm, what would you be doing?” Because with Mr. Big, I know what his favourite subject is, what he would enjoy doing, what his favourite artists are…and all that comparable crap we all try to relate to, because he is a male-me. I already know what he likes - and it’s what I like…with no settling or compromises.
"May I come up?"
Which on a short list of bold questions, has got to be one of the boldest. Direct translation from male to female, it clearly means, “May I have sex with you?” Prince Charming would ask that question. He’s the type to do everything by the book. Wineing and dining, he thinks, will certainly result in an invitation upstairs.
As much as I enjoy the upscale wine bars, there’s no bigger turn off to me then sitting across the table from a Ken doll as he discusses his high-school hockey days and brand new loafers he just purchased.
Greatly missing the days of the college hook up, where everything happened more natural - drunkenly, but natural.
There was no such thing as the unspoken cordial invitation to drinks, which in return, you must allow him to come upstairs for terrible sex which results in you thinking “Look at that, there’s a spider on my ceiling.” Instead of him proving his point that he could “destroy you” in bed.
I miss keggers and crushes.
If you’ve read from the beginning…you’ll have read about my Mr. Big. A guy who with the words “Brooklyn, New York.” made me drop my phone into my lap followed by “This is the man I’m going to marry.”
So what happens when you’re plagued with the maturity curse…letting him go because you know he needs to grow. If the two of us stayed together it would be a crash and burn situation. So what happens? I have no idea, because up until today I’ve had no idea what I was feeling.
This break up hasn’t been messy. It hasn’t been depressing. It hasn’t been a relief. The only word to describe it as…is beautiful.
You know when you lose a loved one, and you’re flooded with these emotions. However after some time has passed, you could still cry over them everyday but your sadness isn’t pain. It’s this gorgeous love where your heart is so full of happiness that you had them in your life - even if it was for just a breath.
Well unable to come to this conclusion on my own, I went to a friend of mine. I talked. He listened.
"I dated this guy for 9 months. When we both met each other it was this "woah" moment because we both made lists and wouldn’t settle for someone who didn’t fit the list. So when we found each other - we were shocked. Never thought it would end. But before we knew it, it was done. We both agreed it’s not goodbye forever, but it’s just not the right time."
"Okay, wait a second…" he said. "I’m not hearing heartbreak, I’m hearing love."
That was it. The moment I could pin-point the emotion I’m feeling. I’m feeling so much love for this person. Not the kind of love you feel for a man. It’s the kind of love you feel for someone you truly love - a brother, a cousin, an aunt, your dad, your best friends. A love where you want nothing but the best for them, even if the best isn’t you at that exact moment.
What is it about a shoe that can give any woman a new sense of self? A shoe can replace a boyfriend. They can mend a heart. They can help you forget insecurities - while wearing the shoes at least. For Cinderella, they helped her find her man.
Which brings me to this - last week I went on a date with Prince Charming. No, not ‘and they lived happily ever after’ Prince Charming. I mean, strip away the stage lights and Disney script…Prince Charming.
Let’s face it, Prince Charming would be that guy who knows he’s good looking. A pretentious Repubilcan with a good heart - but an even better knowledge of the game. When Prince Charming asks you on a date, you don’t say no. You go - who knows maybe he could be my Knight in a Ralph Lauren Polo Tee.
After 2 bottles of expensive wine at a roof-top bar which made me feel like I was in some Parisian villa - I found myself answering “Yes” to “Do I get to kiss you goodnight?” Was it the wine which encouraged me to say yes? Or maybe it was I, saying yes, in order to get more nights like this one.
After a first kiss on a subway platform and denying several of his pleads to come upstairs (which is an entirely seperate entry), I found myself agreeing to a second date.
After dating a college student…these expensive summer nights in the high-end part of town is something a girl could get used to.
Have you ever had that moment where you meet that person…that person who is everything you’re looking for. Unlike the men of the past - this person has no long-term road blocks. Nothing you could possibly for see causing your relationship to end. Have you ever had that moment where you literally drop your phone, because he’s said that one thing you’ve been waiting to hear come out of someones mouth…because you know he’s someone you can be with for a long time?
I have found that person. To follow the model of anonymity, we’ll call him Mr. Big. In the world of Carrie, he is my Mr. Big. From the moment I met him, he charmed me. Won me over with a casual sentence. No pick up lines were needed. But this time around, I didn’t find myself grasping to find things in common. Not once did I find myself saying “We have so much in common; like…pizza and we’re both…Canadian. So much in common.” No this time conversation flowed. Both with a similar upbringing, studying the same topics, an interest in the same music, movies, and past times. But most importantly, we both have the same long term goals. Same industry goals. Same personal goals.
Brining myself back to my first question…
Have you ever had that moment where you met that person…and then lost them?
In true Mr. Big fashion, he doesn’t stick around. He tried very hard to. We dated for 9 months, however you can’t keep a Mr. Big in a relationship…until he’s ready to be in a relationship.
So over time you’ll hear more about my Mr. Big, and the other men who will come and go.
Welcome to The Carrie Project.